When your partner has been married before, there are special concerns.

When you decide to marry someone who's been married before, there is a natural tendency for both of you to want to move forward, closing the door tightly on the previous relationship. But in reality, the ties of a previous marriage don't instantly evaporate once the divorce papers have been signed. And very often, practical matters such as joint custody or visitation arrangements make it necessary to maintain a relationship with an ex-spouse.

If you're planning a wedding, it's easy to get caught up in the fanfare of the occasion: You may invest many hours in deciding the details of your wedding, where you'll spend your honeymoon and the type of rings you'll exchange. Need advice on selecting the perfect ring?

But even more important is the time you'll invest in laying the groundwork for a healthy marriage. And, as someone who is marrying a divorcée, knowing what to expect can help you build a solid foundation for your relationship that will serve you well for many years.

What to expect when you're marrying a divorcé(e).

Let's face it: When one or both of you has been married before, there are bound to be potential complications. Consider these individuals:

• Anne resents the fact that her husband's ex-wife calls him regularly for advice.
• Richard is having trouble balancing the demands of work with his desire to spend time with his children and stepchildren.
• Samantha is eager to buy a house, but a big chunk of her husband's earnings is going to alimony payments.

What do these scenarios have in common? All describe situations that can create tension when one or both spouses are divorced.

In a legal sense, divorce is black and white, signaling the end of a marriage. But the relationship between ex-spouses comes in shades of gray. And whether the break-up is amicable or bitter, unresolved feelings can potentially affect a subsequent marriage. When your future spouse is divorced, it helps to be able to recognize, understand and address such unresolved issues. So here's some food for thought.

When bonds still exist between ex-spouses or past lovers, there is less energy available for the new spouse, and it's harder for the new couple to develop the intimacy that their marriage deserves. Further complications can occur when women marry men who are required to pay alimony and child support to their ex-wives. Similarly, when there are joint custody arrangements, new spouses may resent the time their exes spend with their children.

Any of these scenarios could come into play if you marry someone who is divorced. So what can you do from the outset to keep your relationship as healthy as possible?

• Keep communication channels open. The first thing you need to do is share your feelings. Are there issues related to your spouse's previous marriage that are bothering you? Don't keep resentments, doubts or anger bottled up. Get your feelings out on the table and try to come to a resolution. Seek professional help if necessary.
• Be prepared to make compromises. To reconcile your differences, both of you will probably need to give something up. For example, suppose you and your spouse have been unable to save for the down payment on a house because alimony and child support payments are diluting your income. Why not sit down together and find some things that each of you is willing to economize on. Explore other financial issues that are important to your marriage.
• Arrive at some specific terms of agreement. If there are issues related to a previous relationship that are affecting your marriage, you and your spouse will need to set some specific parameters. For example, if your wife resents the fact that you spend all day Sunday with your children, make an agreement that the two of you will have a special "date" every Saturday night-and then follow through with it.

When you're getting remarried and your future spouse has children.

If this is your first marriage but your future spouse is divorced and already a parent, you'll want to develop the best possible relationship you can with your stepchildren.

Be patient. Realize that it will take time for you and your new family to get used to each other. There will be occasions when you feel like an outsider, but you're the adult here, so more is expected of you. Your willingness to appreciate your new family-and all their quirks-will be contagious, and will encourage them to accept you more easily. Smooth the transition with helpful information on children and second marriages.

What is your role as a stepparent? Your first role is to develop a caring relationship with your spouse's children. So listen to them and show interest in their lives and activities. If they play sports, make time in your schedule to attend their games. Find out what their favorite subjects are in school and how they spend their free time. You might even discover you have some common passions.

Some stepparents attempt to substitute for an absent mother or father. This is a mistake. Instead, try to create your own distinct, healthy relationship with your stepchildren. Avoid speaking negatively about your spouse's ex; and if your stepchildren should make negative comments, hear them out but remain neutral.

One way to view your role, at least initially, is as a mentor to your stepchildren. You can and should become an important source of strength and support to them. And, depending on their age and your relationship, your responsibility in their upbringing may grow significantly over time.

What is your role in rule setting and discipline? Making and enforcing rules is difficult for most parents, but you have unique limitations as a stepparent. Unless your stepchildren are very young, chances are they won't view you as an authority figure. It's not your place to set rules or mete out discipline, but rather to support their parent when he or she does.

As a newcomer to this family, however, you may be greeted with some wariness. This is a transition for the kids, and all transitions have a break-in period. Don't force it. Respect your stepchildren's need for "space" and desire for time with their friends. If they're teens, especially, they're exploring how to be more independent. This has nothing to do with you.

Expect stepchildren to test your limits. And if the kids seem rebellious, try to remember what life was like when you were their age. Some behaviors are just a natural part of growing up, not a reaction to changes in the structure of the family.

Schedule time together, without the kids. It's important for you to spend time alone as a couple on a regular basis, not only for you but also for the children. Kids who have already seen the dissolution of a marriage should find it reassuring to see that a solid relationship exists between you and your spouse. And you need adult time together to allow your relationship with each other to grow.

Above all, maintain a sense of humor.This is especially important with pre-teens and teens. Unless a problem is very serious, humor can be a good way to defuse tension in the family. If your stepchild is playing music too loud or tying up the phone, a lighthearted approach can be very disarming.

Caring for children and adolescents, in particular, isn't easy for a parent-and it's probably even harder for a stepparent. Coming into this new role, you may not realize how "messy" parenting can be. You are bound to make mistakes. If you do, move on and try to learn from these experiences.

If you're marrying someone who has been married before, there may be specific financial and legal issues you need to look at.

Get more advice on how to include stepchildren in the ceremony and in your life.

In any marriage there is no greater symbol of your bond than the ring. Before you make a big investment in a ring, find out how to make a brilliant decision.