Children and second marriages: Bringing harmony to your blended family.
When it comes to children and second marriages, there’s a
lot to think about. The good news is, if you’re about to start a blended family,
you have lots of company. Divorced or widowed parents with young children now
account for one out of four marriages in the U.S. Sixty-five percent of
remarriages in this country include children from a previous relationship. If
you are truly in love and you approach the family blending process with
patience, understanding, optimism and a sense of humor, you can succeed. Begin
the process by learning, rather than assuming you know how to handle it!
Remember: As a divorced parent with children, you’ll be creating a whole new
dynamic in your household. If your future partner also has kids, this adds
another layer of complexity. If your spouse has died, there can be further
emotional issues about “replacing” a beloved lost parent. With young children
living at home, your decision to remarry offers your kids a new person to
provide love and attention, but at the same time forces them to share you with
someone else. Another potential complication is joint custody arrangements,
which can be disruptive to kids’ lives.
I take this man or woman (and his/or her children)…
Knowing, in advance, about how your new family handles everyday details of
living can help ease the transition. To prepare for your new blended family,
it’s important to discuss some fundamental issues—even before you begin making
your wedding arrangements.
For example, if both you and your future spouse have children, you’ll want to
know about each other’s daily routines. How do you handle things like
carpooling, homework supervision, getting the kids ready for school in the
morning? If you have very different styles, some compromise may be involved, and
it’s essential to prepare your kids in advance.
Discipline can be a hot button when two families merge.
Ask your future partner how he or she handles discipline.
If you don’t have children of your own, your role is primarily to support
your spouse in matters of discipline. If you both have kids living at home,
it helps to have similar disciplinary styles; otherwise, one set of children may
feel they are being dealt with unfairly.
It’s also important to understand your partner’s relationship with their
ex-spouse and the nature of the joint custody agreement they’ve worked out.
What if the primary custody arrangement were to reverse during your marriage?
Think about this possibility before you plan your remarriage, because this could
affect your life significantly.
The blended family is a delicate balancing act.
Joining two families together takes time: time for
the different personalities to adjust to one another, time for new roles to be
established (children’s birth order and pecking order may change dramatically),
time to get used to new routines (weeks with Mom, weekends with Dad) and time to
simply bond.
It's important to realize that your children may feel competitive with or jealous of your new partner, especially if you are a widow or widower. These feelings are entirely normal and should disappear over time. Remember, you've weathered difficult times before, and you'll be able to get through this, too.
Many couples with children from previous relationships want to have a child together.
If you’re one of these people, it’s wise to give your new family a chance to truly blend before bringing a new baby onto the scene.
Above all, don’t expect the creation of your blended family to be seamless process. It can be messy—literally and figuratively—and there may be many wrinkles that will need to be ironed out. Neatness, money, noise, discipline and all the usual touch points of family life tend to be intensified in a new, blended family. Rules are important and compromises essential to minimize conflicts over finances and other imporant matters.
With plenty of patience, understanding and communication, your blended family can run smoothly and offer new joys that you may have never imagined. It will take some work and there may be stumbling blocks, so patience is essential. Here are a few guidelines:
Expect an adjustment period. You may change the nature of your household overnight, but your blended family will probably take many months before it achieves anything resembling harmony. It may take time to truly love your new children and for them to love you. Try to get to know them but also give them the space they may need.
Communicate well and often. This is the key to maintaining any healthy family. In blended families, you're more likely to miss nonverbal cues and behavior patterns that may signal trouble. So make an extra effort to keep communication channels open.
Treat all the kids equally. Be careful about giving preferential treatment to either your own children or to your stepchildren in an effort to win them over.
Create a space that visiting kids can call their own. If your children spend weekends or vacations with you, create a space where they can keep their personal things, and keep a set of their toys, pajamas and toothbrushes at your place.
Seek out support. Most communities have support groups for stepparents. If you join one, you'll soon realize that the issues you face are shared by many others. You'll also learn some successful strategies for creating a healthy blended family. If problems persist, consider family counseling.
In your second wedding, the bridal party may be your children.
If you're remarrying and one or both of you have children, your upcoming wedding will probably be very different from your first. As you plan the ceremony, involving your children is something you should think about from the outset. Their participation in the service is a symbolic first step to helping them understand their importance in your new family unit.
Enlist your kids as pint-size wedding planners!
Both children and future stepchildren can play an active role in their parents' wedding-not only as participants in the ceremony but in the actual planning of activities. If your wedding is not too formal, your children can help make favors, decorations and centerpieces.
A child who likes to be in the spotlight might wish to sing at the wedding. An older child may offer to write a small portion of the ceremony. Less outgoing children may prefer to remain behind the scenes, and there are plenty of ways to engage their help. A job as simple as stuffing envelopes may make a young child feel like a very grown-up helper. Above all, respect individual personalities and desires, and don't coerce any children to participate.
There are many traditional roles that your children and children-to-be can play in the ceremony.
Flower girls and ring bearers, bridesmaids and ushers (or their "junior" counterparts) are some of the obvious choices. If you have older children, they could even step up to the role of best man (or maid or matron of honor).
What the kids wear depends, in part, on the site of your wedding. The occasion and formality of the event will determine the choice of children's wedding attire. You want all the children to feel and look special, but you also want them to be comfortable. And you want to do this all at a price you can afford. What is the appropriate attire for the bride and groom in a second wedding?
When selecting dresses for the girls, consider how the colors will look in your wedding photos. Experts advise sticking with one or two colors, which will give your photos a more unified look. Tea length, ballet and knee length are all appropriate for flower girl and junior bridesmaid dresses. Any length other than a mini-skirt is acceptable for older girls.
An older boy will probably wear a suit or, for a formal wedding, a tuxedo. If he's acting as best man, he should wear what the groom wears. For smaller boys, a suit with short or long pants, depending on age and time of year, is appropriate.
A final note: Make sure your children's clothing is comfortable. Scratchy lace, shoes that pinch and even styles that a child hates will guarantee unhappiness and detract from everyone's fun. Children who are old enough should participate in the choice of attire.
Children should be seen (and even heard!) in your blended wedding. Acknowledging the importance of your children in your second wedding ceremony is a wonderful way to launch your new family. You might consider writing a special child vow to follow your own vows.
Finally, don't forget to present each child with a special gift to serve as a memento of the event and thank them for their participation.
When it comes to children and second marriages, there’s a
lot to think about. The good news is, if you’re about to start a blended family,
you have lots of company. Divorced or widowed parents with young children now
account for one out of four marriages in the U.S. Sixty-five percent of
remarriages in this country include children from a previous relationship. If
you are truly in love and you approach the family blending process with
patience, understanding, optimism and a sense of humor, you can succeed. Begin
the process by learning, rather than assuming you know how to handle it!
Knowing, in advance, about how your new family handles everyday details of
living can help ease the transition. To prepare for your new blended family,
it’s important to discuss some fundamental issues—even before you begin making
your wedding arrangements.